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May 2000 Overnight Lite Discarded Jokes

With the recent merger of Time-Warner and America Online, CNN has decided to begin each of its broadcasts with, “You’ve Got News!”

“Simply having children doesn’t make one a mother any more than having a piano makes one a musician.” —Sydney J. Harris

A Russian citizen went to the local butcher and asked, “Do you have any pork today?”
“No,” the butcher replied.
“Any lamb?”
“Chicken? Veal? Beef?”
“Sorry, no.” The customer left, dejected and empty-handed.
“Wow,” the butcher said to his assistant. “What a memory!”

Critics would be out of business if it weren’t for people who stick their necks out and actually do something.

“Carla and I are getting a divorce,” John announced to his friend Bob. “Ever since we got married, she has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”
“That doesn’t sound bad to me,” Bob replied. “Why are you so bitter?”
“I’m not bitter,” John explained. “She’s just not good enough for me anymore.”

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party, but their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free advice. The exasperated doctor asked, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I go ahead and advise them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked at first, but upon reflection decided that it was a fair solution to his problem. So the next day he prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Mime Robbery
"Better use your silencer."

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