December 2001 Overnight Lite Discarded Jokes

“You know, Stan, I just can’t seem to cook a missionary right,” one cannibal complained to another. “I’ve tried everything—I’ve boiled them, steamed them, stewed them, simmered them—nothing seems to work.” “What kind of missionary are you using, Jim?” asked Stan. “You know, those bald ones with the long brown cloaks and a rope around their waists.” “That’s your problem right there,” Stan explained. “Those are friars.”

This year I’m bringing mistletoe with me to the airport. That way I can kiss my luggage good-bye.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

A man rushed into the doctor’s office. “Help! I’m shrinking, and getting smaller every minute! You gotta see me right now!”

The receptionist explained the situation to the doctor. “Now, now,” the doctor replied, “tell him he just has to be a little patient.”

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong sermon on the devil. One asked, “What do you think about all that Satan stuff?”

“You know how Santa Claus turned out,” the friend replied. “It’s probably just your dad.”

Daffynition: Shortest distance between jokes: A straight line.

A boy, taking care of his baby sister, wanted to go fishing so he took her along. “Waste of time,” he told his mother later. “I couldn’t catch anything!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

“It wasn’t that,” the boy explained. “She ate all my bait.”

“You misread the ad—it says ‘Hiring little elves.’”

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