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“A gentleman
inquired about your paintings and asked if they would appreciate in value after
your death,” a gallery owner said to the artist. “I told him I
thought they would—and he bought all of your paintings.”
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“My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’” —Paula Poundstone
Sign on a
veterinarian’s door:
be back in 5 minutes.
sit! stay!
A five-year-old went with his dad to see
a litter of kittens. He breathlessly reported to his mother that there were two
boy kittens and two girl kittens.
“How could you tell?” his
mother asked with a wink.
“Daddy picked them up and looked
underneath,” the boy explained. “I think it’s printed on the
bottom.”
“Do you have any small
notebooks?” a woman asked a convenience store employee.
“Sorry,” shrugged the clerk. “We’re all out.”
“That’s okay,” she replied. “Do you have any
colored magic markers or pens?”
“Nope, don’t have those
either,” he replied blankly.
“Milk?”
“Out.”
“Lip balm?”
“Nope.”
“If you don’t have anything,”
the woman grumbled, “why don’t you just close the store?”
“Can’t,” the employee sighed. “Don’t have a
key.”
Sign at a plastic
surgeon’s:
“come in and let us help you pick your
nose.”
Sign at a muffler shop:
“no appointment necessary—we’ll hear you
coming.”
“I had to get rid of my
husband. The cat was allergic.”
Overnight Lite
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