January 1999 Overnight Lite Discarded Jokes

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word. Apologizing that she only had two dollars, she wrote this obituary: "Pete died."
"I remember ol' Pete, and he deserves more than two words," said the newsman. "I'll give you three more for free."
The widow thanked him and wrote, "Pete died. Boat for sale."

This hurt: I just discovered that my kids are studying in History the same things I studied in Current Events.

"Mommy, Mommy! Guess what?" exclaimed Timmy, full of excitement. "Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got stuck around N!"
"Very good, dear," his mother said. "That's because your dad is an English teacher."
"And Mommy, guess what else! In math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"
"Very good, dear," she replied. "That's because your mother is a scientist."
"And today we measured ourselves, and I'm the tallest! Is that because Uncle Mike is a basketball player?"
"No dear," she said. "That's because you're seventeen."

Sign on a plumber's truck:
A flush beats a full house.

Bumper sticker we saw:
Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.

"One hundred percent of the shots you don't take don't go in."—Wayne Gretzky

Lacking the funds necessary to solve the Year 2000 computer crisis, the Russian leaders have decided to go for the cheaper option: turn back the economy a few decades.

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." —George Burns


"How do you like that—pay toilets!"

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