December 1999 Overnight Lite Discarded Jokes

Farmer McDuffy visited the parish priest and explained that his dog had died. "I never cared much for people, but this dog meant the world to me," the farmer said with a tear in his eye. "Could you say a mass for her?" "We don't do services for animals," the priest replied with a huff. "There's a new, modern denomination down the road—no telling what they believe in." "I had hoped for a Catholic service, but I understand," McDuffy sighed. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" "Good Lord, man," the priest exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

The city of Stirling, Scotland, erected a statue honoring William Wallace, the Scottish patriot immortalized in the film Braveheart. Since nobody actually knows what Wallace looked like, they modeled the statue after Mel Gibson.

Three buddies were enjoying a philosophical moment. "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"

"That I was a great doctor," answered the first, "and healed the rich and poor equally."

"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband," replied the second, "and as a schoolteacher enriched the lives of our children..."

The third man said, "I would like to hear, 'Look! He's moving!'"

"So you think if you don't give presents, no one will like you?"

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